For Immediate Release
July 25, 2007
GLOBAL WARMING WILL RELEASE THE BLOB!
ARCTIC CIRCLE–There is a terrible new threat being posed by Global Warming. This time it comes in the form of a monster from outer space known only as The Blob. Exactly 50 years ago in July 1957 this formless terror crashed to Earth in a meteor in the rural town of Downington, Pennsylvania. In the span of only a few hours The Blob killed and devoured more than 50 people, growing from the size of a softball to larger than a school bus.
There is no known way to kill The Blob. Officer Dave of the Downington Police Department, who confronted the monster in 1957 stated, “I don’t think it can be killed,” pointing out that high voltage electricity, bullets and acid were useless in destroying it. The Blob was stopped only by freezing it with CO2 fire extinguishers for long enough to allow the military to fly it to the Arctic. Downington resident Steve Andrews, who was nearly killed by The Blob explained that the monster could only be contained, “as long as the Arctic stays cold.”
Climatologists warn that Global Warming and the melting of the Arctic threatens to reawaken this hideous monster. Activists say Global Warming must be stopped before The Blob thaws. If re-released, it could wipe out humanity in a matter of months.
“Nonsense,” countered Steed Struts, an Oregon based researcher funded by the global corporation Genetics Italy (GenItalia), “these whacko extremists don’t understand that if we can sequence The Blob’s genetic code, we can save mankind by inserting never dying Blob-genes into everything from large scale monoculture plantations of trees and grasses for biofuels to soy for human consumption and there is even a potential for The Blob to sequester carbon!” Struts continued, “All of which will allow market based solutions to prevent climate change and allow capital investment to flourish, thus providing a stable lifestyle for all Americans. And think of the military potential of The Blob and how it could further protect America from those who hate freedom!”
A Global Justice Ecology Project spokesperson disagreed stating, “Due to global warming, we stand at a critical juncture for the survival of all species, including the human race. Industry and governments, however, are proposing only profit-making false solutions to this oncoming climate chaos. Market based fixes such as large scale production of biofuels, nuclear power, carbon trading and genetic engineering endanger fragile ecosystems while lining the pockets of these grimy speculators. We need to challenge the gluttonous over-consumption of developed countries that continue to exploit the resources and people of the Global South. We desperately need community-based responses and actions that address these problems and stop false solutions before it is too late.”
On the 50th anniversary of The Blob’s invasion, activists across the globe are banding together to STOP The BLOB. The goal of the STOP the BLOB Campaign is an immediate reduction in the emission of greenhouse gases by the minimum 80% that climate scientists say is necessary to help end global warming, halt the melting of the Arctic and Stop The Blob. Protests to STOP the BLOB are urged for every major city on the globe in conjunction with meetings of institutions that continue to contribute to Global Warming including the World Bank, the G8 and the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change, which oversees the Kyoto Protocol global warming agreement. De-centralized actions all the way down to state and local governments are encouraged.
“The Kyoto Protocol is completely inadequate to stop climate chaos,” stated Amanda La, a spokesperson for STOP the BLOB Campaign. She said, “What we need is immediate action to cut greenhouse gas emissions. That’s why we’re calling for these global days of action around financial institutions, governmental meetings and the UN.” She continued. “If our so-called ‘leaders’ won’t act on their own, we’ll force them to take action. No more business as usual until global warming is halted and no more wars for oil or wars for other resources to keep lifestyles of the empire intact. We have no recourse but to act now before it is too late; those in charge have proven they are neither intelligent nor ethical enough to take the necessary steps for the survival of our planet.”
To learn more about actions to stop global warming, contact STOP the BLOB Campaign at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit https://globaljusticeecology.org.
Contact: STOP the BLOB Campaign: email@example.com Global Justice Ecology Project: +1.802.482.2689